Psalm 25

Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, LORD, are good.

That's essentially the prayer of my life. Reflecting on these past couple days i catch myself saying this prayer over and over again without much in between. Sometimes I think I blend what the world says and what God teaches too often. So this was essentially the way I use to think when I was younger: I'd go through everything that I lack or am bad at and just do everything to fix it until they're all checked off. Obviously my goals and aspirations when I was in fourth grade was a bit different and my memory is probably a bit hazy but it was something like, "make a decent amount of close friends and have everyone in my grade know me. Be one of the better kids in basketball. Have at least 2 friends that are girls. Get all a's. Get a gamecube. Make a lot of money" And i just remember going through that list so often and honestly i think i got through it all until a new list pops up. I think to myself that i've matured and gotten past that sort of a mentality but i really haven't. I still catch myself thinking about what i dont have, how other people are better than me in what areas and i think that's been a fairly large distraction. I have difficulty just not doing anything or else i let my mind wander and think about all the reasons i shouldn't be happy. Isn't that so weird? When i leave my mind to think about anything, it always just focuses on all the moments in my life that make me sad or tells me all the reasons why i should be lonely. And then because i grew up a christian and there's so much christian...stuff, i'm reminded how wrong i am and then i say that prayer. God, do not remember the sins of my youth, and my rebellious ways. According to your love, remember me, for you LORD, are good. I tell myself to stop being such a baby and do the right thing. And then the day goes by and i realize 'crap time for psalm 25 again'. It's so frustrating knowing that you're gonna screw up and it's completely inevitable. My parents use to get pretty fed up with me and they don't even know the half of how much i waste my life. But then there's God. He has to watch it all. He's watching me right now as i write this in half self-pity. He doesn't get a break. He doesn't get a chance to just close the door and watch TV and ignore me. He cares too much. And then there's me. Isn't that also weird? The two people that constantly have to deal with me is God and me. I remember in this movie Before Sunrise, Ethan Hawke was just talking about how he is so tired of himself because he's always there for everything he does and that's unbelievably true as obvious as it sounds. I have had to listen to every story I've told, I've had to witness every time i mess up, every time i embaress myself, every single time. Man, intimacy is unbelievably terrifying. I am scared to death of it. Even thinking about just trying to say what i wrote here out loud makes me cringe. It's pretty scary and mind boggling that God is seeing everything. I probably only understand the smallest percentage of the magnitude of that absolutely fact. I know that's true because if i really did comprehend that God sees everything i definitely wouldn't have wasted half my day just watching basketball and napping. I don't really know what i'm saying and i'm sorry this isn't nearly as structured or biblically centered as some of your posts haha. I guess the point of this blog is that there really is a daily grind. It's these kind of days when i don't have enough to distract my mind from wandering where i'm really prone to sin. I'm ashamed that when i am given more time to do anything, i just naturally choose other things aside from God. But today's almost done and im gonna have to wake up, get out of bed and do it all over again.