The entire passage was pretty much like a summary of Israelites but as i read it, it sounded more and more like a summary of my faith and walk with God. The first part of the chapter that stuck out to me was "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you". For a long period of time when i was in high school I had a very legalistic mentality and i would check myself of all the wrong and right things i did. The wrong things greatly outweighed the right and i felt such a heaviness of sin; i constantly felt defeated, like it wasn't worth even trying because i just fell in this habit of rebelling against God and then feeling guilty about it. Nothing about that kind of lifestyle felt freeing or peaceful, God's yoke felt extremely burdensome for me. But looking back i never thought that God would use my disobedience and unfaithfulness to his laws to show me how much i needed him to take control of my life. By my own strength i can't keep his commandments and i was humbled greatly.
The next couple verses gave me some encouragement as verse three says "...to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." I don't know if many of you can relate but for some reason many times when i do get something i really wanted i end up just feeling pretty down afterwards. I end up telling myself in my head "...ok great". That's how i felt after i got into college or got a date for proms in high school or even smaller things like when i got my first paycheck. Now, i'm not saying i don't enjoy earthly things because clearly i do, in fact i think for me i tend to enjoy the little things more. But what i'm saying is that there are a lot of things the world tells me that i should be very happy about that really doesn't end up measuring up and this verse is very encouraging because i know that these contradicting emotions for worldly things is normal when one experiences God.
"Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you." Yesterday when i got picked up at the airport by my dad he took me out for lunch and dinner and he was sharing about the decisions he had to make as far as what college to go to, career decisions, whether or not he should move to America. And the one thing that just stayed in my head was that because his parents were so poor and that his college tuition was so expensive, no one ever told him good job because they were too preoccupied with their financial issues. Growing up i was so bitter at my parents because they never said good job to me and i always felt like i deserved some sort of praise; they were my parents, they should be making me feel good, not inadequate by comparing me to other kids. And when my dad shared that to me i felt so ashamed of myself, i felt like a spoiled little brat. Now that i look back at the way my parents raised me up, i have a different perspective at the way they disciplined me, knowing that they really did care about me and how my dad didn't want me to worry about being a financial burden the way he was to his parents. I know that this experience doesn't exactly relate to verse 5 but just experiencing my dad's love makes me realize that same aspect of God's love to me, except 100x greater.
Over the past couple weeks i've been feeling very lonely whenever i have been by myself. I think i've always been sort of in a way proud of myself because I can enjoy being by myself and that i am self-sufficient but i can't really explain why every time i'm not around people i have just been feeling very apathetic, kind of in a i don't give a crap mode. Throughout this entire year God has been revealing to myself my own insecurities and how much I am afraid of people's judgment. There's just a lot of times where i don't really like myself and to be honest i wouldn't want to be friends with myself. And i thought i gave that up to God this year, that i was able to find my security and identity in Christ but hearing Pastor Seth's Friday sermon i was reminded that things i give up on the alter to God will have to be given again and again. I am thankful that God has once again reminded me of my weakness, and that i must find strength in Him and my joy is made complete in Him.
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